When is the Best Time of Year to Have a Baby?

I gave birth in each of the four seasons, so I feel I can speak intelligently on this topic. Of course, whenever I meet a pregnant woman, I tell her that her due date is ideal. Ever since I closed shop on my personal baby factory, I feel really badly for expecting women. I have an overwhelming desire to make them feel better, no matter how much they glow.

So, when is the best time to have a baby? The short answer is “Who the heck can even remember?” The long answer is:

• • • • • Spring • • • • •
The Good:
– You can take the baby out right away.
– If you are breast feeding, your breasts will look great in a bathing suit.
– The days are getting longer, so the sleepless nights don’t seem as bad.
The Bad:
– You probably won’t lose the baby weight before you have to be in a bathing suit.
– If you are breast feeding, you will feel guilty about having that awesome freezing cold beer on the beach.
– If you have other kids, you will feel guilty they aren’t getting outside as much as they should in the beautiful weather.

• • • • • Summer • • • • •
The Good:
— Short nights will help prevent depression.
— The world generally feels like a happier place.
— If you have other kids, you won’t have to do school projects with one hand while cradling a baby with the other.
— Baby spit up blends well with whites.

The Bad:
— Babies can’t wear sunscreen.
— You’ll always have guilt they can’t bring cupcakes to school on their birthday.
— It is really hot to have another human plastered to your body.
— It is also really hot to have an industrial-sized maxi pad between your legs.
— No Summer Lovin’.

• • • • • Autumn • • • • •
The Good:
— The world is colorful.
— If you have other kids, they will go back to school and leave you alone every day for a few hours with your new favorite kid.
— You can start to wear big sweaters and cool boots to detract from the baby weight.

The Bad:
— You’ll have to buy holiday gifts for one more child.
— Days are getting shorter, which makes sleepless nights feel even longer.
— It will get harder and harder to get outside with the baby.

• • • • • Winter • • • • •
The Good:
— If you time it right, you can use the baby as an excuse to not buy your relatives any presents.
— Everyone is more tired and cranky … misery loves company.
— At this time of year, you want to hunker down anyway. You can literally hide out until spring.

The Bad:
— The world is one big, germy, snotty, petri dish.
— Everyone will buy you a blanket with the baby’s name on it, making it impossible to return.
— Occasionally, you may have to go outside with the baby, and the preparation will feel like that of a Mount Everest expedition.

I guess there is no good time to have a baby.
For those who are adventurous enough to try, the good news is, there is no bad time either.