I Blame YOU For Making ME Want to Look Younger

Yeah, that’s right. I completely blame you for my having to care about getting older. I would be happy to grow old gracefully and effortlessly like my grandmother, but you all look too freaking good. 50 is the new 40. 40 is the new 30. Pretty soon our teenagers are going to be sucking their thumbs. Everywhere I turn, friends and neighbors are looking better and younger than they did a year ago, and I know it is not all from a cleanse or cutting out caffeine. Now, when I see a woman I know looking especially awake and vibrant, I don’t think, “Wow, she must have had a good night’s sleep.” I think “Hmmm, now what exactly did she have done???” It is becoming a problem. If, when I’m talking to you, I seem distracted, take it as a compliment. I am listening to you, but I am also trying to figure out why you look so damn good — what is different, what has been erased, what has been filled or frozen. I have cosmetic treatment lack of focus, (A.K.A. C.T.A.D.D.) and a crazy curiosity about anything involving needles.

Mind you, no judgement. If it makes you feel better, go for it girlfriend. Like I said, you look awesome. I just resent the trickle down effect on me. This is what it feels like. I have a friend who has beautiful boobs … naturally — the kind that even as a heterosexual woman, I want to reach out and grab. In college, we would all turn green staring at her genetic gift and bemoan our B cups (little did we know a few pregnancies later, we’d kill to get those perky B cups back.) Then, women started getting boob jobs. First, just porn stars, then a few celebrities, and then just about anyone who needed a pick me up. By the time we were in our late twenties, my friend’s perfect boobs were a dime a dozen and mine were a penny a gross.

I have another friend whose son has a late birthday. She chose not to hold him back in Kindergarten because she figured, leave him where he should be and let nature take it’s course. She equates this to the flood of cosmetic treatments and surgery. If no one else held their kids back, her son would be just fine. But, since so many do, relative to many of the kids in his grade, he seems far younger — because he is. Ironically, she feels far older just by looking good for her age because of the great lengths everyone going through to look younger.

How about the mom who packs the perfect lunch, complete with smiley face shaped sandwiches, love notes, a nutritious snack and an ice pack to keep it all cool? All of a sudden, my kid’s Uncrustable and bag of chips makes me look like Peg Bundy. Ladies, life isn’t about the reality as much as it is about the relativity.

Do you see what I am saying people? Stop looking so good and you will save me tons of money and time. Let’s all just make a pact to get old without the pressure of getting young at the same time. It is very confusing. No? You’re not with me? You are sticking with the “fighting it every step of the way” mentality. Damn. OK. Well, I guess I can’t walk around looking like this, when you all look like that! Well done you. Googling plastic surgeon now …