Ask The Expert: Getting It Right With Your Teen
This week’s “Ask the Expert” features Magda Occhicone, a licensed marriage and family therapist of NJ Family Therapy in Allendale. Magda recently held a “Getting it Right with Your Teen” lecture at the Ridgewood Library, which focused on effective ways to respond to teenagers’ sometimes-challenging behavior. (Maybe we could put an end to the eye-rolling once and for all!) Seriously though, in the following Q&A, Magda explains many of the keys to communicating with, and gaining a better understanding of, your teen.
Q: What are some of the challenges of adolescence in today’s world?
Magda: Parents know what it’s like to be a teenager but not a teenager in today’s world. It’s all out there from substance abuse to sex to binge drinking and more. These days, adolescents are in a rush to grow up.
Q. As parents, how can we help them with these challenges?
Magda: In order for teenagers to grow into healthy adults, they need guidance from their parents. Discussions around the dinner table and family nights are a great vehicle for this. By setting and enforcing rules, parents give teens predictability and structure. Left to their own devices, teens often do what it takes to be accepted by their peers. While it’s important to set rules and monitor your teen, it’s equally important to catch him or her doing something right and praise those efforts. Teens really do want their parents to be proud of them and accept them for who they are. Try to resist the urge to compare your child to others.
Q. How can parents stop the talking back and other common behaviors, i.e. the ever-popular eye roll?
Magda: Sometimes parents have to choose their battles, i.e. mumbling or eye rolling vs. swearing. It’s not always easy! Here are a good ways to end – or at least lessen – some of the challenging behaviors:
– Set clear expectations and be a role model
– Use logical consequences: the punishment should fit the crime
– Avoid giving consequences in the heat of the moment
– Be concise and stay on point rather than giving a lecture
– Empathize but stick to your guns: do not give in to temper tantrums
– Do not talk back to back talk
– Walk away from the fight if necessary
Q. Great suggestions! Is there anything else you would like to add on “Getting It Right With Your Teen?”
Magda: Consistency and being on the same page with your partner in parenting your teen is essential as is positive discipline. As one would expect, it’s important to know your child. You can do that with simple things like talking with them, asking questions, and meeting their friends. Parents do need to make space for an adolescent’s growing independence and empathize with the many pressures they are now facing. Most importantly, let your children know you are proud of them.
Magda Occhicone, LMFT, can be reached at 845-642-6697, or by visiting www.njfamilytherapy.com.
